What not to do with dog separation anxiety

If you’ve ever come home to a destroyed couch, a howling pup, or a puddle on the rug after a short trip to the grocery store, you know the panic of dealing with dog separation anxiety. As a new dog parent in the U.S., it’s easy to react with quick fixes—hugging them tightly before leaving, scolding them for chewing, or even rushing back home mid-errand—that end up making the anxiety worse. Let’s break down the common mistakes to avoid, and why they backfire, so you can help your pup feel calmer, not more stressed.

First, let’s understand why these mistakes matter. Separation anxiety isn’t “bad behavior”—it’s a fear response. Dogs with this anxiety believe your leaving means you might not return, triggering stress hormones that make them panic. When you react in ways that reinforce this fear, you’re essentially teaching them, “Yes, being alone is scary.” My neighbor in Chicago learned this with her rescue Lab, Max: every time she left, she’d kneel down, hug him, and say, “I’m so sorry to leave you!” This emotional goodbye made Max more anxious, not less—he associated her sad tone with something terrible happening when she left. Veterinarians call this “fear reinforcement”: your big reactions tell them their panic is justified.

The first mistake to avoid is punishing them for anxious behavior. Yelling, hitting, or using shock collars when you find a chewed shoe might feel like “teaching them a lesson,” but it only makes their fear worse. Dogs can’t connect the punishment to the earlier anxiety—they’ll just learn to fear you coming home, not the act of chewing. My friend in Denver tried scolding her Border Collie, Luna, for barking while alone, and Luna started hiding under the bed when she heard the key in the door. Positive reinforcement (rewarding calm behavior) works far better: Luna now gets a puzzle feeder when left, and she’s too busy solving it to bark.

Another mistake is over-the-top goodbyes or hellos. Kneeling to hug them, saying “I’ll miss you so much!”, or screaming “I’m home!” when you walk in turns your leaving and returning into emotional events. This teaches them that your absence is a big, scary deal. A trainer in Austin explained it simply: “Dogs mirror your energy. If you’re stressed about leaving, they will be too.” My neighbor adjusted this with Max: now she grabs her keys, says “Be back soon,” and leaves—no hugs, no long stares. When she returns, she waits 5 minutes to pet him (after he’s settled) so he learns your comings and goings aren’t crises.

Avoid leaving them alone for sudden long stretches before they’re ready. If your pup panics when left for 10 minutes, jumping to a 2-hour errand is like throwing them into the deep end without teaching them to swim. This overwhelms them, reinforcing the idea that “being alone = danger.” Instead, build up time gradually: start with 1 minute, then 5, then 15, rewarding calm behavior with a tiny treat (like freeze-dried chicken) each time you return. My Denver friend did this with Luna—after 3 weeks of 5-minute daily absences, Luna now naps through 30-minute trips, because she’s learned “alone time ends.”

Now, let’s tie in habits that keep you both responsible and happy. Rabies vaccines aren’t optional—every U.S. state requires them, and most dog parks (like Chicago’s Montrose Dog Beach) demand proof before entry. Always carry biodegradable poop bags—fines for leaving messes start at $50 in most cities, and it’s basic neighborliness. Apartment dwellers, note this: Anxious barking can strain relationships with neighbors. Avoiding sudden long absences and using puzzle feeders (to keep them quiet) helps—Luna’s Denver neighbors never even know she’s alone now. And remember: No shock collars, yelling, or crate punishment. These break trust; positive reinforcement (rewards for calmness) builds confidence, which is key to easing anxiety.

Dealing with separation anxiety takes patience, but avoiding these mistakes keeps you both moving toward calmer days. Your pup doesn’t need quick fixes—they need to learn, slowly, that you always come back.